


Better Days

by orphan_account



Category: (여자)아이들 | (G)I-DLE
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:06:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25892581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Soojin isn’t someone who freaks out easily on small things or to think about anything deeply, but that dream she had is making her crazy. She remembers every little detail like it happened, like it is a part of her memory.
Relationships: Seo Soojin/Yeh Shuhua
Comments: 7
Kudos: 132





	1. Chapter 1

Soojin is walking around her neighborhood for hours. This is something she’s been doing a lot for the past few days. Once she got off her work, she’ll stroll aimlessly through the streets.

Today, however, she lost track of time.

Which is surprising since she is the type of person who likes order and plans everything. It is a trait that is both admired and despised by those who are close to her.

And one of them is her closest friend, Miyeon. They met when they were in high school. They were in the same class and eventually went to the same university. She is—unlike her — an easy going person despite being soft-spoken like her and once she got to know her, Miyeon stuck by her side ever since.

Well, right now, she isn’t sure anymore if Miyeon wants to talk to her for a very long time.

Miyeon always warns her that this will happen. That one day Soojin would lose the thing that is very important to her for something stupid. And that she will regret spending most of her life following the rules, trying to do what other people say was right without thinking that maybe there is something more than that.

Eventually, all those things happened. And Soojin just let it. To be left by the person she cared about the most is making it impossible for Soojin not to cry.

And tears were the last thing Soojin saw in Shuhua’s eyes. The same sad eyes that lightened up every time she’s around, those lovely pair of adoring eyes that warmed her up. But thinking about it now, only brings pain in her chest.

The moment Soojin met Shuhua, she already knew that the girl is special. It wasn’t hard to comprehend what she feels, when the younger girl smiles and directs every bit of affection she has on her. 

Those subtle touches and Shuhua’s simple way of taking care of her, made Soojin happy. But the fluttering in her chest wasn’t supposed to be there. This isn’t right, the words in her mind every single time she felt it. She is, or was, to follow her dreams and maybe marry a good man someday, like everything the society and her parents told her to do.

And Shuhua is a beautiful girl. She will go places, she’ll meet wonderful people. Some day, Soojin would be there with the rest of the people— who are in love with her art or the artist herself— in a fancy room waiting to see her films.

Soojin wants that for her. And letting her date a girl who works at a dance training centre downtown, who can barely afford to live on her own and who is older than her is not ideal.

So Soojin rejects every notion of them being together. It was so abrupt— as Miyeon said while glaring at her, cruel— that she was mad at herself. At some point, she wants to take it back, seeing how hurt Shuhua was, but it was already done.

Shuhua, who is in her mind every single waking moment, who won’t talk, let alone look at her. Soojin tried, really, to make things get back the way it was. But the furious comment that Miyeon spat, dissolved any idea of being by her side in the way Soojin can only offer.

Adding to her regrets, was asking one of their closest friends, Yuqi, who replied to her incessant texts with, _“Of course, she’s not doing good._ _Don’t ever think about seeing her again.”_

That was it, the last thing Soojin heard from the girl. 

And here Soojin was, her mind and body exhausted. The countless sleepless nights doesn’t help the growing migraine forming in her head. To top it all off, she can’t remember the last time she had a decent meal.

Now, Soojin is standing in an unfamiliar street with her stomach empty and her feet aching because of the stupid heels she decided to wear that morning.

As she looks around, she notices a flicker of light at the end of the street. And as she drags herself towards it, she sees a restaurant. There are no people inside and when she gets closer she notices that it is still open. Soojin wonders why a family restaurant like this is still open at this hour. But her question was forgotten, when she heard her stomach growls.

Once inside, a familiar feeling came crashing into her. She swears that she’s been here before, but it’s impossible since this is the first time she went to see this place. 

Her thoughts are interrupted when a friendly looking girl approaches her, with a big inviting smile. Seeing how she walks towards her confidently, Soojin knew instantly that she owns this place. 

When the girl stops in front of her and she stares, hard. Soojin is starting to feel a little creeped out, but then the girl hummed and seemed pleased. She grinned and asked, “What can I get for you?”

Soojin absolutely doesn't have any idea about this place so she just shrugs. “I don’t know. I mean, anything good really.”

With that, the girl went back to where she came from. And after a few minutes, she returns with the food. It doesn’t take a while, when Soojin starts digging in, if she wasn’t so hungry, she’ll probably tell the girl how good the food is.

The girl is rumbling over her while she eats and keeps telling her about how good food fixes everything and that maybe it will help her. But eventually left when she paid. She gives Soojin a mysterious smile as she exits the restaurant.

Soojin swears, that was one of the best meals and the most strange interaction she ever had.

It didn’t take long before she found her way back to her apartment. She can’t help but check her phone as she heads home.

_No new messages_

When she arrives at her place, she immediately jumps to her bed contemplating if she needs to freshen up. But still the neat freak she is, she drags herself up and does all her nightly routine before she lies down.

Soojin indeed feels tired. She is thankful because she feels drowsy already and can finally sleep after the past few days.

Before she closes her eyes, she wishes that tomorrow would be a better day.

_Soojin can feel something tickling her ears. She keeps ignoring it, but then there’s a hot breath close to her face murmuring her name suddenly catches her attention._

_“Hey, Unnie. Are you still there?” A soft voice can be heard and a rustling sound beside her made Soojin open her eyes._

_A girl with long black hair greeted her sight. And Soojin can’t help but giggle at how the girl in front of her is adorably frowning. And the pout, she didn’t know if she wanted to stare at it or kiss it gone._

_“Ah, Jinjin-ah! Really! I’ve been telling you about my day and you start drifting off again.” Even with the mocking angry tone, she can see the lovely smile forming at the other girl’s feature._

_Even when her mind is a little fuzzy, Soojin chuckles as she nuzzles closer to the girl, tucking her head just above the younger girl’s shoulder. She closes her eyes and she feels her shifting to be more comfortable, hugging her._

_They stay wrapped around each other when Soojin looks up at the smaller girl who seems very peaceful, and kisses her softly. A smile plastered on her face as she sees Shuhua blushing._

_“What was that for?” She asked, clearly surprised._

_“I just— I love you, Shuhua-ya.” Soojin murmurs with a gentle voice and snuggles clumsily back at Shuhua’s arms. Even without looking, she knows that the young girl is flushing._

_Soojin pretends to feel offended, when Shuhua fails to answer her immediately. She perched up, though misses the warmth against her body, and pouts exaggeratedly. “Don’t you love me anymore, Shushu?”_

_Shuhua tried saying a word several times before laughing and then cupping Soojin’s cheeks and playfully squishing it. “You know the answer to that already, Unnie. It won’t change ever. I love you, too.”_

_Hearing those words, the older girl can’t help but shower Shuhua with kisses, making her do it more when she heard her giggling uncontrollably. Before pulling apart, she left one long kiss that took them both breathless._

_“You know,” Soojin is still panting, gently brushing her finger at the younger girl’s face. “I should be the one reassuring you.”_

_“I told you, it’s fine. It doesn't matter, you are here now.” She encloses her with another hug. If people ask Soojin if she loves being touched before, she’d probably deny it, but being wrapped around the person she loves the most is the best feeling she ever had. Soojin knows she could stay like this forever_.

And Soojin suddenly opens her eyes. She abruptly sits up, pats her shoulders down her waist. After that, she studied her surroundings making sure she’s truly awake, and when she saw the familiar room, she sighs.

The feeling of warmth in her entire body is still present, making her shiver. Controlling her trembling hands, she removes her blanket.

Soojin isn’t someone who freaks out easily on small things or to think about anything deeply, but that dream she had is making her crazy. She remembers every little detail like it happened, like it is a part of her memory.

It felt so real.

And Soojin can’t help but wonder if she wants it to be.


	2. Chapter 2

Soojin has been having recurring dreams about Shuhua ever since that night. Sometimes, it was good and sometimes— she tried forgetting about it— it was bad, and she doesn’t want to think about it. Though they always end up reconciling, kissing or confessing their love for each other. And it is making her lose her mind.

And the more she ponders about it, the more it seems to be a part of her memory. It’s like her own mind is playing a trick on her. If she’s being honest, she thinks it might be guilt tripping her. Making her more confused, as if it is telling her something.

Because every single one feels so overwhelming, so raw and specific that once she wakes up, she needs to calm herself and look around for any sign of the younger girl. She had to have a reality check every once in a while and it’s distracting her, that even the people at work noticed.

They’d been telling her to get some rest, but it would only lead to her sleeping. And it was the last thing she wanted to do. 

After all the dreams, the one she had last night hits close to home. It doesn’t deviate her feeling of dread even with just the idea of being together with Shuhua. 

Soojin might not be crazy enough to believe that it will happen, but it still brings a lasting impression. And even her previous dreams can’t compare to the pain that she felt the moment she opens her eyes.

Every moment, every word that is said and everything only heightens the ever present fear she has.

_Shuhua is standing facing Soojin while she is crying on the couch, in what seems to be their shared apartment. It looks like they just had a fight, with Soojin clearly trying to catch her breath and Shuhua staring at her with her hands trembling._

_“Unnie, look at me.” The pleading is apparent despite Shuhua’s quivering voice._

_And Soojin tries not to. But when the younger girl kneels in front of her and takes her hand, she can’t help but glance. And she was blown away at how beautiful Shuhua is, even with her sad eyes and messy hair. It took everything in her not to take her in her arms and shield her from all the unkind things in this world._

_But right now, Soojin is the reason why Shuhua is hurting._

_“I can’t do this anymore,” Soojin whispers between her sob, sounding very much like her own words are clutching her chest._

_“I told you, it’s fine if you want to keep this a secret.” Shuhua sadly smiles, pleading at her, holding her hands tightly, afraid to let go. “I will wait, even if it takes forever, for you, Unnie. As long as we’re together.”_

_Soojin instantly whimpers while shaking her head. She doesn’t want her to do that. It is unfair for Shuhua, it is not fair for her to be someone’s secret, to be in the shadow when she can be proud of who she is. Not when Soojin is the very reason why the shadow becomes darker._

_“I’m so sorry.” She tries to muffle her sobs, but can’t. “But this is for the best. We both know that this is never gonna work.”_

_“So this is it, then, Unnie?” Shuhua is very good at repressing herself. She asks as if she already knows the answer. She slowly withdraws her hands and stands up. “Just like that. After everything we’ve been through together.”_

_“Shuhua-ya.” Soojin weeps. “We tried, but it just doesn’t work.”_

_With that, Shuhua takes her things, only bringing what she needs. She softly opens the door that goes out of the apartment. And when she is halfway through, she turns around. “This won’t change anything. I’ll still wait for you. I love you so much, Unnie, even if you’re so afraid of what you feel.”_

_“Please… Shuhua don’t.” Is all Soojin says._

_Shuhua just smiles and leaves, taking her promise at heart._

Making up her mind, Soojin decides she needs someone to talk to. So she called Miyeon, hoping that the girl will help her figure herself out and maybe just be there for her. She can’t bear to keep this alone any longer.

And she misses the girl. The older girl might be carefree, but she is perceptive. Or maybe she just wants her closest friend back.

That’s why she’s here in a coffee shop downtown, a few blocks away from her office, waiting for her. Even when Miyeon agreed to meet— reluctantly, she is still mad at her, however it seems to wane at some point— she isn’t sure if the girl will show up.

Soojin has been waiting for half an hour now. If they are on good terms, she would probably frown at Miyeon. But they aren’t and she doesn't even have the energy to be angry.

When Miyeon walks through the entrance of the shop, Soojin releases a sigh of relief. 

Miyeon still looks very much the same, with her brown hair and girlish charm. Though she expects nonetheless, as it has only been a month or two since they last saw each other. And it’s starting to feel like she’s the only one who is taking this hard.

“Hi, Miyeon-unnie.” She mutters as she watches Miyeon take a seat in front of her. “How are you?”

The older girl gives her a small strain smile, as if testing the gesture in her face. “I’m fine. You?”

“I’m fine, too. Thank you for asking… “

This was awkward considering that they have always been honest with each other. And Miyeon seems to have the same sentiment as she says, “You are not. You don’t look that good, Soojin-ah. What happened to you?” 

“Nothing, I just— ” Soojin suddenly blurts out. Frankly, it’s the first time in a while someone asks her that. “I don’t know. I feel like I’m going crazy. Every night, I keep having dreams about Shuhua.”

“Well, even your conscience is punishing you.” Miyeon snaps, and it takes a lot of will power for her not to go off. So she just sighs. “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”

Soojin steals a quick glance at her friend. “No, I deserve that.”

“I wouldn’t totally disagree.”

And after that Soojin tells her every dream she had.

“Well,“ Miyeon murmurs, observing the younger girl then resting her chin in the palm of her hand. “That’s very comprehensive? Like your mind knows what exactly would happen if the two of you date. Maybe it’s telling you something.”

“That we will eventually break up,” Soojin exclaims agitated. “And that we’ll end up hurting each other again and again.”

Miyeon frustratedly runs her fingers through her hair, “You are taking this the wrong way, Soojin-ah. After all, you told me, you only took the bad parts, how about the happy ones? It’s normal that the two of you would fight. It happens. But the point is you try. Here you are crying over some hypothetical relationship, without even experiencing the real thing.”

“What am I supposed to do? Tell Shuhua ‘let’s date and see what happens’ when we all know we won’t end up together because it is not accepted around here.” It’s sadly true that until now, that kind of relationship is scrutinised. And Soojin is scared, what her workmates would whisper behind her back, what her family would say.

But then Miyeon lifts a smile, “I wish I had a chance like you.”

“What do you mean?” Soojin widens her eyes.

The older girl tilts her head and glances at the window. “Do you remember the girl I told you that I like?”

“Ah, yes.” She nods. “The funny dongsaeng?”

“I never got to tell her.” Miyeon flickers her eyes towards her, and Soojin sees a familiar glint but before she can identify it, Miyeon averts her eyes and continues. “We spent a lot of time together, I should have told her but I was scared.”

“And then?” Soojin, worried, asks if her friend is okay. “Are you still friends? Do you plan on telling her still?”

Frowning, Miyeon’s gaze stays glued outside. “No, it’s too late now. She’s already in love with someone else.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Unnie.” Soojin didn’t know that Miyeon has gone through this until now. She thought that she already moved past that since the older girl didn’t mention it again.

“It’s okay. I just wish that I could have said it sooner.” Miyeon chuckles dryly. “And thinking about it now, I’m glad I didn’t because I don’t stand a chance. But you still do, Soojin. I hope you don’t waste it. It’s not too late to do anything.”

Soojin ponders for a while after listening to Miyeon’s little speech. And of course she understands what the older girl is saying. “Do you think I should go for it?”

“I’m just saying that maybe there’s a reason why you keep thinking about her.”

And Soojin wants to say more, but she is too immersed in her own thoughts.

_Kissing is something they have done many times already yet it still fascinates Soojin by each and every time. After closing the gap between them, she could taste those sweet lips while Shuhua gently caresses her hands to her body as they fit together._

_When they are slowing down and the younger girl gently flips her back against the bed, and suddenly Soojin kisses her roughly, that it might start bruising. It is not stopping her, only making her hold Shuhua closer._

_Shuhua is starting to sense something and probes. Soojin has never been this careless with her. “Is everything alright, Jinjin-ah?”_

_But Soojin just keeps her lips glued on her. It got Shuhua wondering. And only when the younger girl stops reciprocating that Soojin finally slows down._

_“You are only mine, right?” Soojin breaks away and wraps her arms around Shuhua’s waist, then burying her face further into the girl’s neck, muffling the sound of her voice. “You won’t leave me because of some girl in your class?”_

_It makes Shuhua sit abruptly and only see Soojin staring blankly looking everywhere but the younger girl. “What are you talking about?”_

_“You know, they are young, pretty and smart. And by the way some look at you, it’s obvious that they like you. You should consider them.”_

_“What’s wrong with you, Unnie?!” Shuhua grabs Soojin’s shoulders and raises her voice at her face, trying to make sense out of her. “I won’t! I’m already with you. Why can’t you just accept that?”_

_Soojin doesn’t answer and her face looks exhausted._

_It’s not that it is the first time they discussed this. “We already talked about this. I won’t leave you because you think that I deserve better. Because I already have the best.”_

_Soojin almost smiles instantly. For someone who’s not good with words, Shuhua knows how to reassure her. The young girl saw it and continues, “It’s you. I want you, only you.”_

_“I’m sorry,” Soojin closes her eyes. “I just forget sometimes.”_

_“Then you have me.” Shuhua pecks the corner of her lips, finally meeting her eyes. She saw her staring at her lovingly, making Soojin’s heart swell. “I’ll make you remember everyday.”_

_Those words remind her of the fact that Shuhua have been doing that since the day they met. And if the younger girl is aware of that, she doesn’t know. Soojin thinks Shuhua still doesn't know the effect of her feelings on Soojin and how it brings everything to her._

_Soojin shakes her thoughts off. She opens her arms, inviting Shuhua, who accepts it willingly. “Anyone would be so lucky to have you.”_

_“Well, unfortunately for them, you only have me.”_

_She doesn’t have any words for that, so Soojin just kisses the girl she loves._

The following days had been blurry. Soojin spend her days working, going home late and dreaming about Shuhua. It’s a routine that keeps happening even after her talk with Miyeon. The only difference is that the older girl is talking to her now, and has been as infuriating as ever.

And it didn't slip her how Miyeon would ask about her well being and how she would loosely tell her how Shuhua is doing nowadays. Which she is thankful for since she is too proud to actually ask her.

Miyeon once mentioned that Shuhua is doing well at school despite her constant avoidance in staying outside her dorm longer than necessary other than attending her classes. And it shouldn’t be a surprise since Shuhua has always been an introvert. But Miyeon said that she barely talks to Yuqi and the rest of their friends, too.

Besides her and their friends are the only people who seem willing to keep up with Shuhua. She still remembers how Yuqi would do anything just to protect her— to the point of threatening her— and how Shuhua would do the same. The girl might look soft, but she is intimidating when it comes to her best friend. 

It’s worrying Soojin more than ever, that she starts wondering if she should talk to Shuhua. But she dismisses the idea before she can call the younger girl, thinking that it is a little too soon.

So she just settles with convincing Miyeon— and it doesn’t take a lot— to check on the girl, every now and then.

It was already midnight when Soojin finally left her office to go home. Dragging herself towards her place, that is when she notices someone sitting in front of her apartment. And it made her halt her steps.

The person is huddled up against the door, sitting on the floor while hugging their knees close to their chest and hiding into their arms. And Soojin didn’t have to see her face to know who it was.

Soojin could recognize the person anywhere, even without that oversized green shirt. It will only take a glance at how delicately small the person is for Soojin to feel the growing warmth that is slowly spreading through her entire body. And when the figure finally looks up, there is no denying how much she misses looking at those eyes.

It takes her a moment to finally say something.

“Shuhua-ya.”


	3. Chapter 3

_There is a big ball of blanket snuggled up in the middle of the living room. Soojin has to stare hard to see that it is just Shuhua wrapped in it, focusing on some papers scattered on the floor._

_She must be having one of those quarterly exams— that the younger girl really hates, always shouting, frustratedly, that she doesn’t need to know how people’s anatomy work, who Soojin just answered by smiling suggestively at her— and might be in there for quite some time._

_She doesn’t even notice that Soojin is home and sneaking in. The younger girl jumps up from the floor when she surprises her with a big hug._

_“Oh my god, Jinjin-ah! I think I just had a mini heart attack!” Shuhua exclaims, dramatically putting her hands to her chest._

_“Well, we should make good use of that heart of yours rather than beating for me, eh?” Soojin wraps her arms around the smaller girl then steals a peck on her cheek before burying her face into the crook of Shuhua’s neck._

_“Unnie, that’s— you are worse than Miyeon-unnie.” Shuhua blushes, then sighs while running her fingers through the older girl’s hair._

_“Only for you.” She childishly giggles. “I can do worst you know… “_

_“But Jin— not right now. I am studying. I need to focus. I need to memorize all— “_

_Shuhua is interrupted by the older girl who is leaving small kisses on her neck up to her jaw. She swears that Soojin is sent here to punish her, but she is not complaining._

_The younger girl closes her eyes and starts to give in but eventually the kissing stops._

_And that’s when Soojin heard a chuckle, making her glance at the older girl. “Now you have a reason to hurry up.”_

_It takes a lot in Shuhua not to have her way with the older girl right there and then. So she just settles for a groan. “But Unnie, you started this. Let’s finish it.”_

_“You really need to study.” Soojin said in a chastising tone, then pushed her lightly, her eyes smiling._

_“Okay, just one— “ The younger girl makes an attempt to steal a peck on her lips but Soojin skillfully dodges._

_“Be a good student, and I’ll wait for you.” Soojin flashes her a flirty smirk while strutting with her fitted jeans. “I’m not going anywhere.”_

_Even without looking back, Soojin knows where Shuhua’s eyes are._

“Shuhua-ya.”

Her heart expanded with the feeling of bittersweet the moment their eyes met. As if it’s always been there and Shuhua's presence only reminded her of that. Countless thoughts, memories and dreams about Shuhua keeps running in Soojin’s head.

As if it wasn’t there every single day for the past month or two.

“Jin— Soojin-unnie, hi.”

A warm hesitant voice snaps her out of her trance. Soojin blinks and finds herself face to face with the younger girl. She sees Shuhua greeting her with a hesitant smile.

Soojin unconsciously checks the girl in front of her, from the tired face down to the seemingly thinner body. It is a thing she acquired when she first got to know Shuhua— it always scares her how clumsy she is. And it makes her want to cry.

How Miyeon described the state of her is an understatement compared to the Shuhua who is currently staring at the floor. The younger girl looks smaller with the way she seems to be and she mumbles, “I’m sorry, Unnie, for barging in here like this.”

“No… It’s alright. I’m just surprised, that’s all.” Soojin tries to form a smile, but it comes out as a grimace.

“Are you sure? I can go, if you want.” Shuhua worriedly asks, gesturing to leave, since Soojin is just standing there without making a move.

Soojin makes up her mind the moment she sees Shuhua leaving and holding her arm. “No, hey, I’m sorry, I forgot my manners. Would you like to come in?”

The younger girl blinks so slowly, looking between the hand touching her arm and Soojin, because of the unexpected invitation. It takes her quite some time to say the words, “Cool, I mean, yeah sure, if you’re fine with it.”

Soojin nodded, giving her a tight lipped smile as she went into her apartment followed by Shuhua.

Once inside, she can’t help but notice how the younger girl is shivering, making her wonder how long Shuhua is sitting outside.

“Have you been waiting long?” She asks, obviously knowing the answer but needing to hear Shuhua’s response.

The younger girl slowly played with her shirt. A habit Shuhua always has when she’s clearly anxious. She mumbles, “No, I just got here.”

Soojin would reprimand her for lying. And for not thinking about how dangerous it is to be alone around this area and coming without wearing something warm. But she doesn’t think she has any right to do that anymore. Though it doesn’t lessen her distress at how Shuhua is being careless.

So she just flashes her an understanding smile. Soojin is about to ask her if she already had dinner when Shuhua suddenly gasps. 

“Is something wrong?” Asks Soojin, worried.

Shuhua doesn’t answer and immediately runs outside the apartment. Before Soojin even starts to panic, the younger girl is sprinting back holding something in her hand. And if she is not mistaken it looks like…

“I almost forgot the cake. I got it from your favorite cafe.” Shuhua fakes a cough as Soojin doesn’t reply, but only stares at her. “I just passed by it and thought maybe you want some.”

“Oh, thank you. It’s— ” It is so incredibly thoughtful and sweet. “— very nice of you.” Soojin smiles and takes the cake. She wants to point out that the place isn’t on her way, but she didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. 

The younger girl handed it to her. It’s already mushy like everything inside her.

“It’s nothing.” Shuhua weakly smiles in return. “You should probably eat it.”

And she did, and now they are both settled down at the dining table, the younger girl staring at her cake while Soojin has been stealing glances at her. There is an awkward silence, and she doesn’t know how to start any conversation without any one of them reacting badly.

“I’m actually here to say something,” Shuhua speaks first as she fiddles with her hand. “Don’t worry, I’m not trying to confess again or anything— I just want to say I’m sorry.”

Soojin tried not to flinch when she heard the word ‘confess’ and gave her a questioning look. She wonders what the younger girl is apologizing. “About what?”

It takes a while before Shuhua responds. “The way I reacted after… “

“Shuhua-ya, It’s— “ Soojin said, but interrupted by the younger girl.

“Please let me finish.” Shuhua takes a deep breath and leans her back on the chair with her eyes closed “I should have handled it better. Because of what I did, I almost lost you. And even if I’m not— in love with you, you are still my friend and one of the most important people in my life. It’s better to have you as a friend or anything that you want us to be, Unnie, than nothing.”

Soojin wants to cry. If it’s from exhaustion or from the closure the Shuhua seems to be offering. Isn’t that what she wants? To have Shuhua within arm’s reach without repercussions.

There is a long pause. The younger girl misreads the silence and adds. “I understand if you think it’s too early or you don’t want to be friends anymore. It’s not fine, but eventually I’ll get over it. I just— I miss you.”

It’s hurting Soojin so much, from her chest to her head at how considerate Shuhua is. It scares her that maybe one day someone would take advantage of it and she won’t be there to protect the younger girl.

And now she doesn’t know what she’s more afraid of, the idea of one day Shuhua would find someone else or the fear she had just with the thought of them together.

“Shuhua-ya, of course I want us to be friends. And I miss you too.” Only if she is strong enough. For now, Soojin leans forward, taking the younger girl’s hand. She feels Shuhua flinch, but it only makes her hold her tighter.

And when Shuhua finally relaxes, she heaves a soft sigh. “Thank you, Unnie.”

The way Shuhua’s eyes seem to be far away, Soojin knows that the younger girl is brooding. But this is enough, for now.

After that, they tried making small talk, at first it was obvious that things were still uneasy, but eventually when Soojin asked about her studies, the younger girls lit up.

A proud feeling in her chest expanded at how Shuhua excitedly told her about doing well at university. It made her smile how the younger girl seems to forget what happened when it comes to something she loves to do and at how she seems to be trying.

Time passes by without the two of them noticing, a feat that Soojin always experiences when she’s with the younger girl.

It was when Shuhua checked her phone, that she did the same and realised that it’s already late. And by what she had heard, the younger girl had a morning class earlier.

Shuhua must be really tired now. 

That is when she made a decision to ask Shuhua to stay the night. “I don’t want you walking back alone in the middle of the night. So you should probably stay here.”

“Oh, Unnie, are you sure?” Shuhua timidly asks.

“Yes.”

A distant look appears on Shuhua’s face, her sad eyes filled with uncertainty and looks at her with her eyebrows kneaded together. But the younger girl seems to catch her expression, and gestures at the living room. “I’ll take the couch then.”

“No, you will stay in my room.” Soojin shakes her head vigorously. Before Shuhua could say something, she added. “I’ll take the couch.”

“Okay.” Shuhua shrugs. 

After letting the younger girl borrow some clothes to change into and to freshen up and also giving her a much needed space, Soojin goes to the living room to prepare herself to sleep. She is actually starting to think that this is not a good idea, with Shuhua staying with her, the person who just hurt her feelings.

But she can’t really just let her roam the streets in the middle of the night. If something bad happens to the younger girl, she won’t forgive herself.

She knows Shuhua was telling the truth when she said that she’s not trying to win her over when she came up here, but she could still notice the little flicker of hope from her eyes. And she thinks she could read so many things from her eye too, from the sentiment of melancholy.

After all, she technically rejected her twice now and she won’t do anything about it.

And now it’s getting colder. She wants to go to the next room and asks Shuhua if she is warm enough. But she shouldn’t. It’s too much.

Soojin doesn’t think she can handle all those emotions since she can barely manage it after all those dreams she had. Yet she knows she has to, since she brought it to herself. 

She can’t sleep even after all the tossing and turning. So she pushed herself up to the couch and went to get a glass of water. She can’t help but glance at her room on her way, and notices the door is ajar.

Her feet uncontrollably drag her there, and smiles a little she sees the younger girl wrapped in a blanket looking so adorable.

But then she heard a painfully familiar sound, it was when she noticed Shuhua’s shoulders are moving, twitching. And she holds her chest, sobbing.

This is exactly what Soojin doesn’t want to see.

So she runs back to the living room. 

Soojin blames herself. She has been too selfish. She could fix this. Although she is still afraid and doesn't understand why Shuhua stays even if it hurts. 

She closes her eyes, hoping to be in deep slumber. Because only in her dreams would she be strong enough for the younger girl.


	4. Chapter 4

“So… ”

Clearing her throat, Miyeon plants herself on the couch in the living room. Her eyes are looking expectantly at Soojin while she is busy pretending to ignore her. This is a normal occurrence in her apartment. Miyeon would just barge in and hang around.

It is something Soojin is used to. Usually, they would just do their own thing, not minding each other’s business. But today, Miyeon is scrutinizing her with curious eyes. And she already knew why.

The staring goes on for a while until the younger girl has enough. “So?”

“I heard that Shuhua was here last night… And she spent the night? Is that true?” Miyeon is raising a brow.

Ignoring the suggestive tone, Soojin looked at her and replied nonchalantly. “You mean by ‘heard’ is Yuqi telling Soyeon and Minnie-unnie then the latter told you about it, right?”

“Yeah… “ Frowning a little, Miyeon explained. “She said that Yuqi was panicking because she didn’t come home. So what happened?”

The younger girl takes a deep breath, trying to control her emotion. The image of the younger girl crying on her bed was still fresh in her mind. It doesn’t help that the next morning, when Soojin went to check on her, Shuhua was already gone leaving a message.

Those words from the note hold different meanings which Soojin was racking her head off. Until now, she can’t take herself to even enter her own room, afraid to be reminded of how much she messed up. Adding to the fact that Shuhua’s smell still lingers in the apartment.

And it was the first night in months that she didn’t dreamt of her. 

Which shouldn’t surprise her since her whole life she’s used to not having any dreams. It was a blessing— some would say— because the one moment she’s asleep and the next thing she knew she’s awake and will get on with her day. 

Yet it still doesn’t sink in her how those moments in her head had become a big part of her for the past few months. She should be grateful for that because it finally stopped, but can’t shake the feeling that on the same night she lost two different chances she had with Shuhua. 

“Nothing happened. She wanted to talk, so we did. It was pretty late so I asked her to stay.” Soojin replied quickly with finality, not wanting more questions about it.

Miyeon sensed her exasperated tone and released a deep sigh. “Okay, I’m sorry. I just thought that maybe you finally let yourself be happy.”

“What does that even mean?” Soojin raises her voice a little.

And Miyeon looks at her frustrated.

“What?”

“You still don’t get it do you?”

“WHAT?”

“You cared about Shuhua deeply more than anyone. You always think about her and even to the point where you dreamt of her every night. Even your subconscious is telling you something.”

Soojin suddenly stood up, grabbing her coat. “I’m going for a walk. I don’t want you here when I get back.”

“Really, Soojin, this again? Pushing people away once it gets real.”

“I don’t even know what’s real in my head anymore.”

“Shuhua is real, you know.” Miyeon casually said, seemingly expecting this kind of outburst from the younger girl. “You just have to acknowledge that.”

Soojin walked out without looking back.

Soojin hovers through the window of the familiar restaurant. There was a weird feeling in her that lingers the moment she got a glimpse of that place again. It was the same establishment she saw when she accidentally got lost months ago, and it happened to be there by chance. 

It’s weird how she could recognize it immediately. 

After she left her apartment, Soojin walked around her neighborhood aimlessly— something she’s been doing a lot lately— trying to clear her mind. Which she didn't think helped her in anyway because she already knew what was the problem.

The unexpected visit from Shuhua opened a part of her that she kept to herself. And the disappointment when she woke up that morning without even dreaming of the younger girl weighing on her. Soojin understood how Shuhua had been content with just anything that she would give to her.

_It’s better to have you as a friend or anything that you want us to be, Unnie, than nothing._

Yet cynic in her is still there.

A big sign that says ‘open’ was in front of the door, though there were no people inside. She wonders why, thinking that the food serves was good— based on the last time she came— and it’s a shame that no one seems to know it.

“You’re back!” A cheerful voice from behind her startled her. Soojin looked back and saw the same friendly looking girl from the restaurant. “And it took you long enough.”

Soojin frowned, confused at what the girl was saying, wondering why she would say that. She was about to tell her that she got the wrong person, but then the girl looked at her knowingly.

“I expected you to give in immediately.” The girl shook her head, like she was disgruntled with herself and led Soojin inside. She made Soojin seat at one of the stools as she sat in front of her too, running her hand through her hair. “Well I guess you are more stern than I thought.”

“What are you talking about?” Frowning at the girl, Soojin was thinking of their interaction, finding something she missed but nothing came to mind.

“You keep dreaming about something you really wanted right?” The girl grinned, looking somewhat amused. “People like yourself are so afraid of what other people think that sometimes they settle for something safe, for labels that they thought would keep them in line— which is crazy because safe is boring, safe wouldn’t guarantee you happiness. It Is by taking risks for something you know in yourself would make you live your life— not just survive— that you’ll know what’s important. And sometimes they forget, _you_ forget. I just helped remind you of that.”

Soojin admits that she is not always the smartest girl in the room, but from what she understands is that the girl in front of her is the reason why she keeps having these recurring dreams about Shuhua? Is that even possible? She’s recalling some of those supernatural plots of the dramas and films she watched— which she loves— in her free time and what’s happening right now is something similar to that.

“You’re saying that you are the one who messed me up?” She also isn’t the type that gets mad easily though things like this— something she can’t comprehend— is not ordinary. And what the girl had had some serious consequences that Soojin is freaking out about. 

“Correction, I didn’t mess up with your head.” The girl explained with the same cheerful smile on her face. “I only made you think about things that you can have if you aren’t afraid enough to maybe try.”

“So you put thoughts in my head?” Soojin frowned, stopping herself from screaming at her.

“You still don’t get it, do you? Those in your head, it’s your own.”

“Those thoughts?”

“People call it the subconscious, a part in someone’s mind which some are not fully aware of both influences one’s actions and feelings. I just nudge that part a little bit for you. Not everyone has a chance like you do, a fully realized side of your consciousness.”

“You’re telling me that I wanted all of this?”

“No, I’m telling you that it is something you are always considered. Like I said before, I’m only reminding you. The things you do after this is not me, it’s on you.”

Soojin has to take a deep breath and absorb all of the words the girl said to her. There is a part of her telling her that this is insane and refraining herself from straggling the girl. But there’s also something in her that knew that already. 

There is no denying now how she feels for Shuhua. The only question is, if she’s going to do something about it.

“I could help you have another dream again if you want? I knew that you didn’t have last night and that’s why you’re here. But please remember that this is still your own subconscious. Whatever happened in there is yours.”

Soojin feels an urge to ask her everything but the realization is dawning on her and she’s exhausted.

“Just tell me what I need to do.” She sighs, glancing around the very ordinary room.

“Go home, have some sleep. And it will eventually come to you.” The girl smiles and suddenly offers her some food— similar to the last time— that appeared out of nowhere. “Eat this before you go.”

Soojin nods, trying not to make sense of what’s happening, and takes it. “Is this part of the thing you do?”

“No, I just think you’re hungry.” The girl speaks as she stands, gesturing to leave.

“Oh, okay.” She starts calming down. “Thanks, I guess.”

“No regrets, alright?”

Soojin nodded.

Soojin goes back to her apartment once she finishes that strangely good meal. She actually feels a little at ease after what happened earlier. Everything is still weird to her, but she doesn’t have time to question it.

After all, with dreams or not, she knew she loves Shuhua.

Back to her place, she saw Miyeon sleeping on the couch. She smiles, clearly appreciating how the older girl is still there for her even when she’s really hard to deal with, like every important person in her life right now.

It’s already late at night. And Soojin wants to call Shuhua just to hear her voice. But she is probably sleeping, the next morning, perhaps she will.

Once in her room, she saw the note Shuhua left.

Her heart flutters in her chest, comforted by the words written.

_Thank you for letting me stay -Shushu_

Soojin closes her eyes, for the first time, looking forward to her dream.


	5. Chapter 5

_People are filling up in the center of the room. The crowd is bustling around, whispering to each other, nodding and smiling, seemingly awed with the object of their attention. There are a lot of films being played, but their focus seems to be fixed on that one room._

_Soojin is curious, trying to take a look at the reason for the commotion, but have no luck since the throng of people won’t seem to be getting away anytime soon. She shrugged, thinking that she’ll have a chance later, and glances around the large room, looking for the person she was supposed to meet._

_This is the first time that Shuhua’s work is featured in one of the most esteemed film festivals in the country. The younger girl was so delighted when she heard about it and won’t stop talking about how the dream of hers was finally coming through and been restless ever since. Her heart was beaming with pride and joy at how the younger girl’s hard work was paying off._

_Soojin had to tire her out every night just to calm her down because Shuhua was buzzing with so much excitement. It made her smile thinking about the different— “very creative, Jinjin-ah.” Shuhua supplied— ways Soojin did that._

_But now she is cursing at herself for being late in this important day. She is afraid that the younger girl would worry and won’t enjoy her day just because of her tardiness— some of her students from her dance training school, were being such brats today of all the dates._

_Shuhua tends to overthink and that is the last thing she should be doing most especially today. Soojin wants to be there for her. They both need this moment to be shared with each other._

_There is no sign of the younger girl after she walked through all the possible places she might be— taking a long time because of the crowd— and about to call her when someone tapped her shoulder._

_“Jinjin.”_

_Soojin looks behind her and her heart flutters in a familiar way the moment she sees that someone._

_And as always, Shuhua managed to make Soojin feel so much without any warnings._

_She is wearing a cream plaid pant suit, a black loose shirt tucked in and high heels, of course. Even with the semi formal attire, Shuhua can still express her personality in it. Soojin knows because she had watched the younger girl grow into the person she is today. And her hair is as long and healthy as ever._

_“Hey, is everything alright?” Shuhua worriedly asks, since she is just standing there after staring at the girl._

_“Yes, Shuhua-ya. Sorry I’m late. I went here as fast as I could.” Soojin lifts an apologetic smile._

_“It’s alright. You’re here, that’s more important.” Shuhua brightly smiles._

_It is comforting how Shuhua always reassures Soojin. Even with her shortcomings, the younger girl would be patient and kind and so sympathetic. How can someone be so understanding?_

_Soojin remembers that night after they spent the whole day together, and how she said that Shuhua always looks so sad. The younger girl questioned her if it’s a bad thing, and Soojin answered with, “sad people are usually good because they feel things more. It’s not necessarily bad, because it just means you can empathise more than most of the people.”_

_And Shuhua kissed her, tears rolling down her face, then asked if she still thinks she’s sad._

_The glimmer in her eyes that night is the same with the one in front of her. And it answered that question. Shuhua looked at Soojin so lovingly, tenderly, so happy and content._

_Even with Shuhua smiling so brightly like this, Soojin believes that she is the most sympathetic person she has ever met._

_“So have you looked around?” Shuhua grinning at her while gesturing around the room. But she suddenly frowned. “There are so many amazing short films. I’m scared that my work won’t even compare to everything here.”_

_“Hey, I told you. It’s going to be amazing. You just got into this festival.” Soojin takes the younger girl’s hand, squeezing it lightly. She gave her an encouraging smile. “You have to believe in yourself.”_

_Shuhua shakes her head, intertwining their fingers together. Glancing around the room, she released a sigh. “You’re just saying that because I’m your girlfriend. And you still haven’t seen my film yet.”_

_The said film was the work Shuhua presented to the panel. Soojin didn’t know what it looked like since the younger girl kept it under wraps, telling her it isn’t ready yet. At some point, she was starting to feel left out because she thought Shuhua might think she wouldn’t appreciate it that much. But then she told Soojin that she wanted it to be perfect, for her to see._

_“And even though I haven’t seen it, I know it’s wonderful.” Soojin is confident that it’s true._

_“Do you want to see it now?” Shuhua asks timidly. The younger girl looks shy now, her palm sweating against Soojin’s— something that happens when she is nervous. “Or maybe we’ll catch the next screening. Oh, are you hung— “_

_“I want to see it.” Soojin firmly said, holding her hands tighter afraid that the younger girl would start panicking. “Now.”_

_Shuhua nods repeatedly before taking a deep breath, looking like she’s trying to get herself together. “Okay! Okay… Let’s go.”_

_Leading her into one of the rooms, Soojin can’t help but feel the butterflies in her stomach with how adorable Shuhua is, all flustered. She wanted to shower her with kisses and tell her how adorable she is._

_But then she bumped into someone, mumbled an apology then looked up, Soojin notices that they are going to the busiest area of the room._

_Soojin heard Shuhua politely excusing herself through the crowd as she walked towards the throng of bodies. She notices how the people walking on their way back outside are staring at the younger girl… or are they staring at her? Her question was forgotten when Shuhua abruptly halted._

_That was when Soojin finally saw the reason for the commotion and everything around her stopped once she finished the film._

_Her chest is pounding, her pulse is racing, a lot of emotion is filling up her whole body, but the most visible one is affection. It would be egocentric of her to think that what she just watched was one of the most beautiful things she ever laid her eyes down._

_The film is about a woman who was finding her purpose and finally coming to accept herself. It’s so simple, but the raw emotion shown by Shuhua— she also acted on it— was clear. It brought so many emotions in Soojin._

_It’s pleasing even without the context._

_There is a note after the ending credits._

**_for seo soojin_ **

_Soojin heard a quiet call on her side. She really can’t comprehend the words so she said something that came into her mind. “It’s beautiful.”_

_“Do you like it?” The younger girl whispered._

_Without glancing at Shuhua, she nodded._

_“It’s for you.”_

_Those affirming words, did her take her eyes off the screen and look at the other masterpiece. Shuhua is smiling lovingly at her then raises her hands to her face. Rubbing her thumbs softly against her cheeks, it’s the moment she realises there are tears in her eyes._

_Shuhua continued, bringing her face close to her own. “I want you to know that every time I look at you, I see that. The film is not perfect, but you are. You are beautiful, in an unassuming, unpretentious way. You might think you are flawed, but that’s what makes you beautiful, that makes you human. And I love every single detail about you, the funny, caring, the scared part of you. They always talk about how art is an expression, but they never told me that the inspiration was the one who brings the emotions I needed. I love you.”_

_If Soojin wasn’t crying before, she’s definitely sobbing right now. She felt an arm around her waist, pulling her into a warm embrace._

_The seconds went by and Soojin lost all sense of time, feeling as though they were the only person in the room. Even though she can feel the eyes burning through her, she doesn’t care anymore. Not when Shuhua is mumbling sweet, comforting words in her ears, and Soojin can’t help but tighten the hug._

_When they are pulling away, Soojin gently runs her hand through her cheek, fingers brushing against her skin. She watches as Shuhua's eyes flutter shut at her touch. “I love you too, so much.”_

_With the words, she opened her eyes, and Soojin felt like she’s drowning in a sea of emotions. Then Shuhua smiled._

_It was when Soojin finally leaned forward, closing the gap between the two of them._

Soojin opens her eyes.

The very first thing Soojin does after she wakes up is cry.

It’s another dream again. Not as bad as the others, but not as sweet as what she just had.

She thinks maybe it’s not supposed to be a dream anymore. Because she wants it to be real. She wants it to be her reality, to belong to her, to be with Shuhua.

She blames herself for being a coward, after all they’ve been through, after all Shuhua did for her, all those words she said, all those moments they shared together.

Soojin hopes that she could bring those back again, she wishes that she could make it right, and maybe she could finally stop herself from hurting Shuhua.

And maybe Soojin should just be brave enough to have a future with her.


	6. Chapter 6

Saying that Soojin is scared is an understatement. 

Remembering the words from the mysterious girl from the restaurant, every little detail that occupies her mind and the object of her dreams— her lovely smile, her caring nature and her affectionate yet sad eyes— terrifies her.

It’s late in the morning already and Soojin had been tossing around, thinking of ways to proceed. Because from this day on everything she decides to do would not only affect Shuhua but also herself.

But still, Soojin is determined. 

Though Soojin has no idea what to do and how she would say the things that've been in her mind all along. It’s ironic because she’s always been a blunt person, which bothers their friends a lot.

Now she could truly admit how she truly feels for Shuhua.

And suddenly Soojin is reluctant to move along with her thoughts.

If Soojin is already overwhelmed with her feelings, what did Shuhua must have felt when she was having the same sentiment and was turned down? ‘Harshly,’ Soojin thought bitterly.

Just like any other day, her morning went on like it usually does. But her mind is somewhere else. 

Soojin had never thought of imagining her future without the image of what it should have been. Shuhua had, if she went through the trouble of confessing and making peace with the idea that they are just going to be friends. And in the end, she still has to live with a regret.

It’s a late realisation, but she gets there.

And Soojin has to do something about it. 

Her day went on. And everything is so lacking, so empty. Thinking that she has something more important to do.

And Soojin thinks that she has to change it.

All she had wanted was a nice normal life. 

But it’s a life without the bright laugh.

Her twinkling eyes.

Those sweaty yet soft hands.

And Soojin never realises how she wanted that all for herself.

It has been a week since her last “dream” and Soojin haven’t done anything. Not that she doesn’t want to— she does, she really does— but Soojin doesn't know how to move along.

Miyeon stares at Soojin weirdly when the older girl hangs around her apartment, after the latter’s work.

“Stop looking at me like that.”

“Then stop looking like you’re trying to plan some kind of scary shit.” Miyeon points at her best friend, glaring.

“How do you want me to look when I do that then?” Soojin glares back at the older girl, ready to throw anything that her hand can reach, but slowly deflates as she realises that Miyeon is not that wrong. “I am kind of thinking of something terrifying.”

“Oh, that’s new.” Miyeon raises her a brow. “You would have taken care of it immediately because you don’t want prolonging things.”

Soojin sighed and flops on her couch, “I don’t know anymore.”

“Well, talk to her first.” The older girl comments. “It will be good for Shuhua to know that you want to reach out.”

Soojin closes her eyes, not bothering to wonder how Miyeon knew what she was thinking and let the silence fall upon them.

Miyeon pokes her cheek so that she can get a reaction from Soojin, “Come on, make a move already.”

Soojin slaps her hand, “Stop, I’m thinking of what I’m going to do.”

“Oh!” Miyeon exclaims, thinking of something. “I heard from Yuqi that there’s a film showing in their university and Shuhua is gonna be there. Do you want to go with me? Since Yuqi invited me to come. It’s tomorrow evening.”

“It’s tomorrow already,” Soojin trails off. “And Yuqi might still be mad at me… “

Miyeon shakes her head, “She won’t be if you stop being a brat. I swear this is a good opportunity unless you have more important things to do better than this. And Shuhua would be happy to see you there.”

“Okay… let me think about it?” Maybe it’s not a good idea to face Shuhua while Yuqi is around, but it would be nice to see them both even if things are unpleasant.

“Don’t.” The older girl playfully slaps her arm. “You’re coming with me.”

Soojin pulls up at the almost full parking lot and checks her surroundings.

“Are you sure that I look alright?” She swiftly faces the person on the passenger side, who is unbuckling her seatbelt.

“Yes, Soojin-ah,” Miyeon replied as she got out of the car. “It doesn’t matter what you wear though.”

“Still,” Soojin follows suit, checking herself in the side mirror of her car. “I need to look decent enough.”

“‘Decent’ is not the right adjective when you’re gonna seduce someone.” Miyeon jokes. Soojin is ready to throw a fist at the older girl when she continues, “Seriously, it’s enough that you made an effort to be here.”

They shared an understanding smile.

Both of them arrived at the auditorium without a hitch.

Miyeon smiles and waves with a lot of people— like a friendly person that she is— while Soojin tries not to strain her neck looking for anything that is associated with Shuhua.

Judging by the crowd, Soojin thinks that it is like one of the biggest events in the university. She is proud knowing that Shuhua is involved with it, even if she hadn’t seen any of her work.

They walk together as they pass the poster work of the previous students, wandering in Soojin’s case. She truly appreciates them, but it doesn’t peak her interest.

Soojin is attentive again when they finally make it to the section provided for current students. She doesn’t know that she’s too focused on looking for anything familiar and all of a sudden she bumps into someone.

“I’m so— “

“Soojin-unnie.”

Soojin looks up hearing the voice but she’s stunned on her spot.

Her heart is bursting with the familiar bittersweetness the moment she sees the person in front of her.

As if she doesn’t already, Shuhua is filling her mind with the thought of her.

“What are you doing here?” Shuhua asks hesitantly, though her voice is filled with uncertainty, Soojin can’t help but notice the slight glint in the younger girl’s eyes.

It is enough for her to lift a shy smile. “To support you, of course.”

“Oh.” Shuhua blushes and looks anywhere but her. “My work is still not that good though. But I’m glad that you’re here.”

Those words reminded her of the last dream that she had. And Soojin thinks that she’s going crazy because this is her reality now. And if this is the person who she wants to spend her life with, who looks at her so painfully tender and lovingly. She loves it.

Because she’s in love with Yeh Shuhua.

“Unnie, are you alright?” Shuhua asks, as she notices Soojin spacing out so she frowns looking worriedly at her.

Oh, even frowning, she looks cute and Soojin adores it.

“I’m fine. I— it’s the crowd, I guess… “ Soojin bites her lips not wanting to blurt out her thoughts and scare the younger girl. She doesn’t want their conversation to be in this place. 

“Are you sure?” Shuhua’s eyes and lips are tilted with concern. “We can get out of here if people are too much for you.”

It should be Soojin's line because out of the two of them Shuhua is the one who’s not good with the crowd and strangers. And yet here she is asking, if she’s fine.

So freaking thoughtful.

Soojin shakes her head, not saying anything because she doesn’t trust her mouth around the younger girl.

“Ah, do you want to look around?” As if Shuhua wants to spend more time with her, and Soojin doesn’t mind. She added, “Only if you want to… Are you here with someone?”

Speaking of someone, Soojin’s with Miyeon until she bumped in with the younger girl. And now she’s nowhere to be found… “That sneaky— ,” Soojin thought.

“N— no, I’m not with anyone. I mean I came here with Miyeon-unnie but… “ Soojin stutters and blabbering for no particular reason. “She might be mingling with people. So I’m here, alone.”

So if this continues, Soojin might just confess here, with sweaty people around. And Shuhua deserves more than that.

Shuhua just nods, confused with the older girl’s behaviour, though beams at the prospect of being with Soojin. “Okay then, I’ll show you around.”

Is this how Shuhua always reacts to her? Does she react like that too? 

They were walking as Shuhua talks about the film posters around and Soojin has no idea what she’s saying and just enjoys watching the younger girls chatter with a smile. She ends up staring at her lips as she speaks. Soojin remembers how she showers them with kisses in her dreams. 

Oh, not here, not now, go away.

Then here goes Miyeon appearing out of nowhere with Yuqi— who gave her a quick look— and helps Soojin out of her embarrassing thoughts. “Hi both of you! You already found each other huh.” Miyeon chirps.

“Yeah, Soojin-unnie here looked so lost earlier. Good thing I saw her.” The younger girl flashes a bright charming smile.

Soojin swooned a little and can’t seem to find her tongue.

Before she can say anything, Yuqi beats her to it. “Shuhua, your professor is looking for you. Something about an edit or something.”

“Oh, I need to go.” Shuhua jumps a little in panic and switches her gaze to Soojin. “I’m sorry, I told you I’m gonna accompany you around… “

“No, it’s okay. You should go. Miyeon-unnie and Yuqi are here, so I’m gonna be fine.” Soojin tries to reassure the younger girl.

With a smile that seems to ease Shuhua up, she walks away with a quick goodbye.

When Shuhua is far away enough, Yuqi starts to talk, “I still don’t like what you did to my poor best friend’s heart, Unnie, but Miyeon-unnie told me everything. And if you mess up again, I’ll make sure that no one will find your body.” 

Soojin would be lying if she said that she isn’t a little horrified. 

“Anyway, I’m relieved that you realised how stupid you are. Either way, you’re gonna die from my hands.”

Soojin grumbles a little, but can’t stop the smile that slowly finds her lips. “So you’re gonna kill me either way.”

“Stop you two, we’re friends.” Miyeon takes them both with her arms, hugging them closer. “No one’s gonna kill anyone. We don’t want Shuhua to be sad, don’t we?”

“Okay, okay, get off me!” Soojin yells as she removes the arm around her. Yuqi is doing the same, but Miyeon holds them firmly. And she can’t help but laugh, making the other two laugh too. If the people are looking at them weirdly, they don’t care.

“But, Soojin-ah,” Miyeon says, once they settled their giggling down, and grins down at her. “You need to confess already. Before it’s too late.”

Soojin abruptly turns on her, giving herself a whiplash, “Too late?”

“I’m just kidding.” Miyeon laughs loudly at her best friend’s face. “Just please, save both of you the trouble of another heartache. It’s been going on for too long. If you have a problem with wooing girls, I can help you, I’m good with that.”

“No, I can do it myself.” Soojin rolls her eyes.

“I’ll teach you my mo— ”

“Nah.”

“There’s no wooing needed, is that what you are implying, unnie?” Yuqi added, smiling.

Soojin is biting her inner cheeks while Miyeon and Yuqi keep teasing her.

Their friends had been encouraging Soojin to make a move on Shuhua. She remembers she had the two of them lounging in her apartment and bugging her about trying to reach for the younger girl. Soojin would reply, she needs some time.

The truth is, she doesn’t know what to do with Shuhua.

Maybe she should just confess, like saying it without any preparation but reality hits her. She actually doesn’t know if Shuhua still likes her— loves her. 

And she is too shy to make the first move.

Without putting on any makeup, wearing her comfortable clothes— and warm since it’s cold outside— she drags herself outside. Lately, she usually goes strolling on the streets close to the younger girl’s university, hoping that she’ll get a glimpse of the girl.

Well, she hasn’t had any luck.

“Soojin-unnie?”

Oh, that warm, familiar voice.

And she looks back and finds herself standing in front of Shuhua’s university.

Soojin blinks and finally sees Shuhua greeting her with her adorable questioning frown. And the younger girl looks attractive even with her messy hair, wrinkled clothes and her signature green shirt.

“Hi, Shuhua-ya.”

Talk about faith and all that soulmate thing. Though Soojin calls bullshit on herself, she’s been hoping that this will happen.

“What are you doing here?” Shuhua tilted her head towards the building. “Are you waiting for someone?”

“I’m waiting for you… ” Soojin wants to say. But she just smiles shyly, “I was just walking around the neighborhood.”

“In this weather, unnie? Aren’t you cold?”

“Not anymore, now that you are here.”

Damn, Miyeon would be proud of her.

Shuhua cheeks redden— not from the cold, Soojin would like to think— and tries to play it off by ruffling her hair. “Okay. I’m about to go for a ramyum run. Do you want to come?”

“Yes!” Soojin beams as she follows the younger girl.

“Are you still cold?” Shuhua worriedly asks as she plays with her food but her eyes are glued on Soojin. “I can get you a coffee, or tea if you want.”

Soojin stops eating, “I’m warm enough already.”

“Good,” the younger girl nodded as she continued playing with her food.

“You should eat more, Shuhua-ya. It’s bad for your health skipping meals.” Soojin suddenly blurts out her concern.

There’s always there. The lingering worry in Soojin’s chest, when Shuhua would neglect herself. Shuhua thinks too much and yet she doesn’t think about herself at all. 

“I know.” A small smile appears on Shuhua's face, “It’s been pretty busy at school, that sometimes I forget. But I swear I was eating properly now. Too much exercise is bad for your health too.”

“I don’t work out all the time.” Soojin replied quietly.

“Well, you look good still.”

“Is that a compliment?”

“I’m just telling the truth.” Shuhua looks away and tries to focus on her food.

“Shuhua-ya, I— “ Soojin stumbles on her words. “I wanted to talk to you.”

Shuhua looks up and her eyes are flickering with something like hope, but is quickly replaced with playfulness, “We already are talking, aren’t we?”

“I— it’s about what I said that night in my apartment… “

Shuhua’s face falls, her eyes filled with so much emotion, but the most obvious one is doubt. And Soojin doesn't want it there.

“I’m sorry. Am I making you uncomfo— “

“No, it’s not like that.” Soojin gestures to her to stop talking. “I’m just telling you that I want you in my life too.”

“If you’re saying that just to placate me, please don’t.” Shuhua shakes her head, frowning. “It still hurts, I won’t lie, but you have your own feelings too.”

Soojin stares at Shuhua deeply and thinks that for a very talented person, she has little confidence. Only if she’s aware how charming and endearing she really is, and how her ‘own feelings’ leads directly to her.

“Then my feelings say that I should keep bothering you to take care of yourself more.” Soojin finishes it with a casual smile.

It’s not totally a confession, but it’s a step forward.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” There is a finality in her voice, and Soojin knows that Shuhua’s aware that there’s no argument about it anymore. Soojin could only wish that she could tell her everything right here. She’s here because she chooses her and she’s not going to have any regrets this time.

But for now, it’s enough that a warm smile is slowly coming back to Shuhua’s face again.

And of course she couldn’t help. So Soojin smiles back.


	7. Chapter 7

Soojin knows that being with a girl is hard, that was one of the reasons why she brushes the idea off immediately when she thought of dating Shuhua, before. 

She hadn’t been with a lot of people in the past, and it was all boys, but no one’s ever made her want the way Shuhua does. The way she effortlessly warms her heart. And Shuhua has always made her lose her senses and it’s making her forget the fact that she’s a girl. And for Soojin it doesn't matter now, anyway.

Shuhua has never made her uncomfortable or forced herself onto her, not ever. And it makes her wonder how she can think that it was all wrong, when the younger girl is always there, always treating her with respect.

It’s not unusual to think that at a certain point in our lives, everyone starts to yearn for someone to spend the rest of your life with, to care for you without anything in return, to hold you like you’re the most important person in the world.

Still, it scares Soojin a little that she pictures Shuhua to be that person, so clearly. And when she looks at Shuhua, it seems like she’s seeing herself. Would they eventually fall out of these feelings? Would Shuhua eventually leave her when she realises that she can do better than her?

Soojin wanted to tell Shuhua how much she loved her when the younger girl walked her home last night, when she glanced back with a cute blush on her face as she went home.

And now, Soojin is waiting for Shuhua outside her car. They have been hanging out lately ever since the visit from the university. She thinks it's good progress.

Soojin wants Shuhua to know how she feels. But those words would lose it’s meaning if she will just spring it suddenly to the younger girl. So she settles on showing her first, like how Shuhua did all those years and until now.

It doesn’t take long for Shuhua to arrive and notices her leaning against her car, she makes a note to slightly lean more, imitating those sexy car commercials— damn she’s starting to think like Miyeon. Which is a success when Shuhua starts gaping at her from afar. 

The younger girl is obviously panicking. And as much as Soojin likes watching her squirm because of her, she approaches Shuhua. When they meet face to face, they have a little staring contest. Soojin is smiling widely while Shuhua is trying not to look anywhere besides her eyes.

And it takes everything within Soojin to not shower her with kisses.

Because Shuhua is so adorable right now.

“Shuhua-ya.”

“U— unnie.” The younger girl stutters, giving her a weak nod.

Soojin playfully slid her arm around Shuhua's. “Come on, let’s have dinner.”

“Ah, um… “

“It’s my treat.” Soojin happily added and dragged Shuhua along with her until they arrived at the car.

“A dinner would be nice.” Shuhua sighs as she lets herself into the passenger seat. 

Soojin flashes the younger girl a warm smile.

They had a meal in one of their favorite places around the area and they talked about anything their mind can think of. Which Soojin enjoyed since no matter how many times she watches Shuhua talk about random things, it never fails to make her smile.

It did take long before they were back to Soojin’s car.

They are in a comfortable silence as Soojin drives Shuhua back to her dorm. But it was broken, when Shuhua suddenly spoke up.

“What are you doing, Soojin-unnie?” Shuhua softly asks as they pass through the street. “I am confused, please tell me.”

The vulnerability in her voice makes Soojin stop the car immediately. And she is startled that the mood switches instantly.

They sat in complete silence for a while before Soojin even dared to look at Shuhua and struck that the same person who was chatting lively and laughing brightly with her earlier looks so fragile right now. How her eyes are downcast with unshed tears.

Soojin mentally curses herself for not making her feelings clear for the younger girl, and for bringing back the sadness back in those eyes and the hurt in her voice.

Before she can say anything, Shuhua heaves a long sigh. “I’m tired.”

Soojin, finally finding her voice, said, “of what?”

“Of being misled.”

Her breath hitches.

“I know it’s not your intention to lead me on. It’s my fault that I think of it that way. It just gets too much some— .”

“I’m not leading you on.” Soojin has never sounded so stern before. “I’m in love with you.”

Shuhua stares at the older girl with her stunned eyes and no words are coming from her parted lips.

So Soojin gives in.

She kisses her, her doubts are long forgotten. Her worries don't matter at this very moment. She just wants Shuhua to know that she loves her and she wants this. But her dreams didn’t prepare her for the feeling that is bursting in her chest once their lips meet. 

“I love you, Shuhua-ya.” Soojin pants softly, wondering how a short kiss can leave her this breathless. She didn’t wait for Shuhua's reply and just nuzzled herself into the younger girl’s body.

Shuhua is so warm.

And she can feel Shuhua’s heartbeat against her.

They stay like that for a while. Soojin has been curious yet scared of what the younger girl might be thinking. 

“You know, I’ve always wanted to hear those words from you.“ Shuhua said after a long silence, then chuckles making her vibrate against her, but rather weakly and her tone still has a hint of uncertainty. “Everything about you is so compelling that it entices me somehow despite your indifference. It’s surreal now that you finally said it. And I don’t know if this is true or my mind is just playing a trick on me again.”

The hesitation about accepting the confession is there, and Soojin can’t blame her. But the way Shuhua’s heartbeat echoes with her own, she knows that she still feels the same way. 

So Soojin smiles, tilting her head slightly to look at the younger girl. “Then let me show it to you.” She’s going to make her fall in love with her again. “I’ll prove it to you. Give me another chance.”

And Shuhua chuckles again, but this time it sounds genuinely amused.

“Why are you laughing?” Soojin playfully quirks an eyebrow at her. Failing to stop beaming, the blooming joy in her chest and the smile growing on her face despite the change of mood, and Shuhua’s giggles are not helping.

“You have that determined look on your face.” The younger girl takes a quick glance at her and cracks a watery smile. “I don’t have a choice in this matter, don’t I?”

“You don’t.” Soojin laughs and doesn't notice that at the same time, she’s bursting into tears. She doesn’t expect it will be this straightforward. 

Shuhua shifts in her seat and places her hand on her waist, the other wiping her tears, “Then, I love you too, Jinjin-ah.”

Soojin is actually dying to hear those words, she doesn’t expect another wave of feelings crushing into her over another love confession. She swears Shuhua got her in the palm of her hands, and she doesn't mind at all.

Overwhelmed with her thoughts, Soojin leans in and kisses her again. She can feel the younger girl wrapping her arms around her waist, pulling her closer. Soojin would have never thought that she’ll be kissing Shuhua inside of her old small car at the side of the road to god knows where, and still feels so giddy, so excited, so hopeful.

Shuhua breaks away wanting to say something, but is stopped when Soojin steals a peck on her cheek. The younger girl struggles to continue and clears her throat. “It will take a long time for me to get used to this.”

Soojin cups Shuhua’s cheek and pinch it tenderly. “We’ll work on that.”

“I’ll look forward to it.” The younger girl mumbles softly.

Now that they are together, they both know that they got plenty of time ahead.

Soojin is glad that she met Shuhua, that she’s a part of her life, that Shuhua is who she is, that she finally let go of her own fear and she’s going to hold onto it for the rest of her life.

“They there are! Soyeonnie, Soojin-unnie and Shuhua are here!” Yuqi cheerfully calls her friends, waving. It earns her a smack from the girl beside her.

“You’re so loud. I already saw them the moment they went in.” Soyeon nonchalantly replies. “It’s not hard since they are all over each other like that.” She is pointing at the approaching couple who’s giggling loudly.

Even before Shuhua and Soojin arrived at their table, Minnie smiled widely at them. “You guys are so sweet! I’m almost envious.”

“And very late. Why is that though?” It is more of a question to herself and Miyeon looks like she already has an answer with the way she is smirking suggestively as she moves on to another seat to provide a space for the newcomers.

Yuqi rolls her eyes, clearly not wanting to hear any details.

Soojin secretly observed Yuqi’s expression and saw a small smile breaking into the younger girl’s face. Though she’s definitely sure that it is because of the giggling Shuhua besides her. And that, she is thankful for. They might still have some setbacks between the two of them, but Soojin sees Yuqi as her little sister more than anything and is glad that Shuhua has a protective best friend like her.

After the couple settles into their seats, Miyeon continues her teasing. “So let’s order? Or are you guys already full?”

“Today is a really good day to kill someone.” Shuhua curses under her breath.

“Stop teasing her, Miyeon-unnie.” Soojin raises her hand, smoothing the frown that’s forming on Shuhua’s face. Softly brushing the wrinkled forehead, the older girl gives her a look, silently asking if she is alright, and Shuhua smiles, reassuring her.

Shuhua flashes one last glare to Miyeon before giving her attention to the menu in front of her.

“Shall we order, then?” Soojin considerately suggests as she just heard Yuqi grumbling about being stuck with idiots while she’s hungry and remembering that both of them haven’t eaten anything since morning.

“Finally!” Yuqi raises her hand like she’s surrendering. “It’s on Shuhua since you made us wait.”

Shuhua is about to throw a fist when Soojin takes her hand, pouting at her. It didn’t take long before she agreed.

“Whipped.”

If Shuhua’s hand is found slipping into someone’s face, it’s not on her.

_Soojin sighs nervously against a pair of warm lips. “I want to ask you something.”_

_“Hmm?” Shuhua hummed between kisses._

_“Shuhua-ya.” Soojin pulls away, but still close enough so that their foreheads are touching, “Do you want to move in together?”_

_“Um… “ She averts her gaze down._

_“I understand if you don’t want to.” Soojin gives her a reassuring smile. “I’m sorry for bringing this— ”_

_“Okay.”_

_Soojin tilts her head in confusion, “Huh?”_

_“I said okay. I’m moving in with you.”_

_Soojin can’t help but smile. She tenderly caresses Shuhua’s face before she leans in for another kiss._

Soojin opens her eyes. She just had another dream. 

It’s not like one of her dreams before. This time she thinks that this isn’t just a dream, but a piece of her memory, memories of her and Shuhua. It feels so real, because it is real.

“Jinjin-ah.”

Hearing her name, she shifts her body to the other side and is greeted by the sight of Shuhua struggling a little to open her eyes, the warm rays of sunlight shines upon the younger girl who lies beside her.

Oh, how she would do anything to memorise this moment.

“Hey.” Soojin mumbles.

Her lips curve into a smile when she sees the adorable girl with her messy hair sticking everywhere. She gently tugs her closer. 

Shuhua is cutely yawning, but her arms slowly curl around her waist. She can feel the delicate fingers tapping mindlessly to bare skin, making Soojin giggle.

The younger girl slightly leans back. And when Soojin is about to pull her back, Shuhua kisses her, from her forehead, down her eyebrows, her nose to her cheek and finally to her lips. They share a sweet kiss.

“I love you.” Shuhua mumbles as she snuggles into Soojin’s body. It didn’t take long before the younger girl fell asleep again.

“I love you too.” Soojin whispers back.

Soojin hopes that she could spend her whole life with Shuhua just like this, she hopes that she won’t have regrets again, she hopes she could always make Shuhua happy instead of hurting her.

And she would do absolutely anything to make that happen.


End file.
